The truth is -- I have never felt so blessed to be a mother and yet I have never felt so lonely. When we moved back to the west side I had looked forward to reconnecting with old friends and making new ones, and nothing has happened. I am longing for a companion to talk with. Olivia brings so much joy to my life but she cannot have a conversation yet.
The truth is -- I do not remember anyone telling me that you can have love and support from family and friends, but still feel like no one is around. We are currently living with family, and yet at times it feels like a bunch of strangers. It is a busy summer and everyone is always on the go. The frustrating part is when family near and far talk about how much they love our baby girl and want to see her and spend time with her, and then nothing. When people offer help and then when you go to reach out for it, no one is there to grab your hand. Some days I feel like I'm drowning. I am always afraid of who I am bothering by having Olivia with me. I should not feel ashamed or embarrassed to have my daughter with me! And yet it happens...
The truth is -- Olivia is not the little baby who everyone wants to just wants to hold and cuddle anymore, she is an almost two year old who can get very loud and never sits down. We are entering what I keep hearing is THE WORST age. Our child is loud, Our child hits, our child spits, our child cries for no reason... Our child is a child. She is learning and we are learning too. Sometimes we do not have the energy for dealing with her tantrums and we just let them happen.
The truth is -- I never feel that I have time to myself; even when I am away from Olivia, I am always thinking about her. She consumes all of my time, energy, and thoughts. And most of the time I love it!
The truth is -- when I was driving home yesterday by myself, I found myself crying and longing for some friends, some friends who understand the struggle. There are no words to finish the rest of this.
The truth is -- I think that we are going to make it. Olivia is not old enough to remember that I have a hard time going out and making mom friends so that she has someone to play with. She is not old enough to remember that when mom feels depressed, she gets to watch movies all day. She is not old enough to remember mom debating with people about her binkie use. She is not old enough to remember all the things that mom wants to teacher never happened and that it was everyone else who taught her.
The truth is -- despite all of this, we are going to make it.
The truth is -- watching Olivia's language development has been an amazing experience! I took a course at Whitworth where all we learned was language development. I am finally in a place where I can see it in action!
New Words: Peanut butter, sorry, five, help, cute, and many others.
I do have to say, that if nothing else, our daughter will know: please, thank you, sorry... and next is yes ma'am/sir no ma/am sir. It is sad now few children I run into who have manners. I knew even before I was pregnant that that was one thing I wanted for my kids.
The truth is -- she is the light of my life. She keeps me going. I will keep on giving kisses, even when she doesn't want them. I will keep on telling her that she is beautiful everyday. I will keep on doing the best that I can and remember that it is all for her.
The truth is --life is hard. But we need to find the little bit of paradise in each day. Mine is when I ask Olivia for a kiss and she grabs my face and pulls me close while she kisses my lips.
Make sure to find your piece of paradise today.
