Even before I went on maternity leave, people were asking me if I was planning on returning to work. It wasn't even just the question, but the fact that people would whisper when they asked. I'm not going to lie... the thought of not returning crossed my mind often. For as long as I can remember, my dream has been to be a stay at home mom. How amazing it would be to spend my days taking care of my home and educating my children using things I had learned while earning my degree. Then I feel the tugging on my heart. I know that there is something else that I need to be doing. Something more.
I returned to work after my maternity leave but it was definitely not the same. It was difficult to leave my baby each and every day. My mind stayed at home and I found that my heart was not in my work anymore. I loved my job and the work that I did. My love for that beautiful girl at home was greater. Over time I lost my professional self. I started to hate work and became very bitter. A large part of the problem was that er could not afford the kind of childcare that we wanted and therefore were always in a panic when it came to making sure Olivia was going to be watched.
Advice to expecting parents: Have a serious, in depth conversation about what you can afford and what you are going to do for childcare well before the baby gets here.
When Mike brought up moving back to the west side, I was hesitant. If you know me you know how much I love Spokane. That is my hometown! However, it became apparent to me that I needed a change of scenery and the help of family would be nice. I took almost five months off (Sep - Jan). Going into it I was thinking, 'This is going to be great! I want to do this, this, and this with Olivia. We are going to get out and see everyone and make new friends!" Well, most of that did not happen. I found myself in a funk. But I can say without a doubt that I needed that time off to recoup and figure out what I wanted to do.
There were several days that I wanted to hang up my parenting responsibilities and walk away. A lot of the stress was not necessarily coming from Olivia. Mike and I were living apart for awhile and are still living in someone else's house... which means that most of our belongings are still in storage. We are figuring out how to make things work until we can afford to get our own place again. There are still days that I know I need a break. That is actually a big part of why I decided to go back to work part time. I do not want to spend most of my time away from Olivia (and Mike because we have very different schedules) but I knew that some work would be healthy for all of our relationships.
Back in December Olivia and I had a play date with my friend and her daughter. She mentioned that her responsibilities at home are growing and that she was looking to step down from her position. We had a few conversations and I was blessed to take over for her. I am an Administrator for a former employer and I am enjoying learning some new skills! What is the best part of my day(when I have to go into the office)?
Coming home to this beautiful face and having her run to me to give me hugs and kisses! XOXO
I am learning how to balance. Currently I am still juggling, but balance is in the works. Becoming a mother is the biggest blessing in my life so far. I have learned a great deal about life and myself. I understand things about my parents that my siblings will not understand until they become parents. I enjoy working. I get this fulfillment knowing that I am contributing to society and helping to make a difference in students lives.
Some women are called to be stay at home moms, some feel a longing to be back in the work force 100%, and then there are those who want to do a little of both. For a long time I did not understand why any woman would want to go back to work full time. Now that I have experienced a little of all three, I understand how it works differently for everyone. To each their own. I am thankful for my part time work and that I can even do some of it from the comfort of home while spending time with my family.
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